Communicating and Making Decisons Together

Comm101

80% of the couples Brother Williams has counseled over the years have come to him because of communication problems. Contrary to popular belief, we are unable to not communicate (Lauer & Lauer, 194). Communication is both verbal and nonverbal. Therefore, the real problem is communicating effectively; having the receiver understand what the sender intended. This takes effort on both sides of the conversation. According to Lauer and Lauer, “All rules for improving communication skills revolve about the goals of making us more effective senders and more effective receivers” (208). The sender must constantly be evaluating what he/she has just said in order to ensure that it matches what he/she actually wants to communicate and that it is not threatening. The receiver, on the other hand, must be a good listener and take an active part in trying to understand what the sender is telling them.

            Brother Williams shared with us “The Five Secrets of Effective Communication” from David Burns’ book, Feeling Good Together. The one thing that stood out to me the most was something that he mentioned under the category of the first secret, but I don’t remember if it came from the book or if he said it himself. It was “Focus on the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying and then make it popcorn.” I had just had an argument with my mother a couple of days before hearing this and the whole thing could have been avoided if I had followed this bit of instruction. The day after learning this tip, I talked to her again and a similar situation came up. She was trying to give me advice, and what she was saying was true, but it was truer for her than it was for me. Under normal situations, I would have simply started arguing (yes, I’m a wonderful person, I know), but this time I was like “kernel of truth” and silently listened instead. It was then that realized that it was more applicable to her, and that I didn’t need to fight her about it. Instead I shared with her that thought and she agreed with me that we are very different. Conflict avoided, agreement made, moving on. It was great. The thing is that all of the communication tips for marriage that a person reads before they’re married won’t do them any good once they’re married if they don’t start using them now. So, use them now, people. They can help in other situations as well.

           

Making Decisions/Solving Problems

            According to Brother Williams, people often think that the best way to solve problems is compromise, but compromise is often not out of charity, it’s about getting what I want while still keeping you satisfied enough to stick around. In making big decisions he and his wife chose to use the counseling method taught and used by the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for Church government. The steps of the method go like this:

            1. Express love and appreciation for each other

This step provides a reassurance that each person is valued by the other and that the discussion is initiated out of love.

2. Pray

This brings the Lord and the Holy Spirit into the matter

            3. Discuss the matter to consensus

This is not about discussing what each individual wants, but what each perceives that God wants for them. The matter needs to be talked about and prayed about until both parties receive the same impression and are united in it.

            4. Have chocolate

This wasn’t a mandatory step, but it is one that the President of the Church and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles supposedly follow. Brother Williams said that in a past class he had made that statement and a young lady in the back who hadn’t spoken all semester raised her hand and said that her uncle was L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve and that she didn’t think that they were really eating chocolate in the temple (where they have their weekly counsels). Brother Williams asked her to find out for him when she saw her uncle. When she came to class the next week, she said “It isn’t always chocolate, sometimes they have pie.” So, believe it or not, but it isn’t a horrible idea 😊

            The counseling method is preferable over other methods because God is all-knowing and loves both the couple seeking His help as well as all of the other people that the decision that they are making will affect. It’s the same thing as doing God’s will on a personal level, only there are now two of you.

            The End

References

 Lauer, Robert H., and Lauer, Jeanette C.  Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, 8th Edition. Boston, McGraw-Hill, 2012.